im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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