And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Rumble strips road head = magical
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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