I haven't been this sober since birth.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
