Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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