From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
