So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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