Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize