yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
