What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
