My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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