**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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