I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
