Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
