There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
