I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
