i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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