you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Two words: blizzard sex
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
