dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
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i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
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Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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