You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
