He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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