So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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