The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
