Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
