Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He passed out mid-signature
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
