I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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