hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think weed is turning my hair brown
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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