I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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