Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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