he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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