I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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