I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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