How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
