Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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