There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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