There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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