I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
