I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
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Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
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I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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