i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
