No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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