I just saw a hot homeless man
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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