the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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