I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize