you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
