I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
