Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
