Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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