My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
