so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
