Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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