i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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