Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
