As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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