Umm I'm too high to move.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
