I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
