You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
