Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sext me about skeletons
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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